I have been thinking a lot about all I have been through; I cannot go through this trauma of cancer and its treatment with thinking there is no meaning to it… When it comes to traumatic events I try my best to wrap my mind around what has happened, I try to make sense of it, and then I wonder what do I do next? So what has it meant to me? What have I learned so far on this cancer journey?
- I have learned that I have limits, and that limit has been fear. Fear of not succeeding, fear of not doing anything with my life, fear of doing these life battles alone, fear of not being here. I am beginning to understand my fears thanks to cancer, and now I am trying to figure out how to get rid of it… Easier said then done, and I hope once I am done with cancer treatments, I will conquer these fears.
- I have learned making peace with myself, cancer, and my beliefs, is not an easy ride.
- I have learned that my big heart has big aches.
- I have learned that I have a lot to learn…
I have learned to make sense of this madness, because that is what it is, it is madness. It is madness having to learn that you have no control over the cancer, and it is madness having to live with all those side effects of cancer therapies..the bone marrow extracts chemo eish!!!!. Although I made peace with cancer treatments some time ago, it still causes me frustration.
Now that I am coming out on the other side, I know I will make it (i have for the most part (I think), but I don’t want to forget what I have gone through, I want to honor this time in my life, I want to make sense of it, I want to help make the pain not so overwhelming for others, this I know. I have continued the new “tradition” open talk about chemo, and gave one to a fellow cancer patient who is just starting her cancer journey, I hope it will bring her a smile, and know that she is not alone. Peace is hard won that is for sure..
Transitioning to “survivor” from patient is not as calm and peaceful as I hoped. One would think as I did, that once you are complete with your treatments that you can jump back into your life as before… I think the key word here is “before.” I am happy and grateful that I am here to share my story another day, however, I am not like “before.” Making peace with the tears, the changes, and navigating my way through cancer has not been an easy journey.
Some days I am able to rock and roll, then other days, I’m so quiet and withdrawn. But you know what? I’m quite comfortable with being by myself and staying at solitude, I’m quite content living a quieter life; sometimes I miss the extroverted person that I use to be, but only sometimes, because I am now more content with creative and spiritual pursuits.
As I am winding down my treatments I have pondered about art, which helped me reconnect with my creative spirit, I haven't drawn or painted or anything like it but I like to do poetry, and I enjoy more making meaning of others' artwork. I rediscovered beading, knitting and crocheting. It has also reawakened some dreams that I had as a child of what I wanted to do “when I grow up” I reckon after cancer treatments, I’m grown-up LOL!
I also returned to college and am in my first year, I’m getting my PHd in Educational Management and Policy studies in 3 years, which is what I think my life is all about you know, leadership...doing the right things right!! (Thanks Steve Covey), at least I think so.
Returning to college has been a challenge though as I struggle with chemo-brain, grief, and fatigue. These sure have been a kick-in-the-backside and none too gently. I really do not know which one has been worse for me, the fatigue or the chemo-brain, both which has made life, work and school a challenge, and at times has sent me into depression…but I keep trying. I cant forget the compromised immunity that has predisposed me to horrible infections at the top being two cases of meningitis. Its crazy when your CD4 count is so low... those bugs get in without warning. And the worst is when I lost my mind without knowing I had... That was freaky but I also felt cheated...
All this brings me to “survivorship,” “survivor,” “thriver,” terms which I am not happy with. While at it someone told me 'battling cancer is harsh we should use words like managing cancer..what the heck is wrong with people wanting to be politically correct even with cancer..that encounter is a battle... you win or lose...managing is sugar-coating pepper! Well sigh..okay back to where I was... To me those terms are limiting and defining. Right now I use “Beyond Cancer” until I can find a word that resonates within me, I don’t relate with “survivor” or “thriver”. If these words help you make peace with this hell called cancer, I am truly happy for you, but for me, they just don’t do it.
I pray to the God to help me make peace with these terms and help me find peace with the way I am now. I certainly am not the person I was “before” and I am certainly NOT those words. Cancer and its treatments seem to strip of you of you, and you come out the other side with a different way of looking at the world and yourself, at least I did. I am a a mother, a friend, a writer, an educator, a little girl, and a strong woman who had to learn about cancer. I am not 'my' cancer and I am not a “thriver” and “survivor”. I am Evelyn Jepkemei, a Nandi Woman who danced with cancer.
“Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I’ll try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Anne Radmacher.
